When I visit a country to plan tours on what are known as 'inspection visits', I spend a lot of time looking at hotels; checking rooms, restaurants and facilities, and getting a sense of how organised a hotel is. I am part restaurant critic, part health and safety officer, and part awards ceremony judge. Below are some memorable visits.
Positive in Ohrid, Macedonia
Karen and I walk along Europe’s largest freshwater lake into the old town of Ohrid. Through medieval gates covered in scaled armour, we arrive at a boutique hotel and winery. The hotel manager is starched and organised. To each question, she answers in triplicate, 'yes, yes, yes'. Sometimes it is 'yes, yes...yes,' with a long pause before the final 'yes.'
Rarely do we hear her say, 'no' but if so, it is a direct, singular'no!' Mostly, it is the thrice-repeated 'yes'.
We leave feeling positive.
Befuddled in Buenos Aires
I am looking for the perfect hotel in Buenos Aires. Well located, good quality, charming, good value, good restaurant, good access etc. Twenty hotels later, my mind and the hotels have blurred into one and I’m asking strange questions, like, '...and does the hotel have a helicopter landing pad?'
At that point my ever patient guide asks, 'What exactly are you looking for, Mr Baines?'
Sometimes, perfect can be the enemy of better.
No massage in Mysore
In a rather lovely spa hotel in Mysore, I am offered a free massage. I gratefully accept and subsequently arrive in the serene spa later that evening. I am handed the extensive massage menu to peruse. My shoulders soften just reading through the many delightful options.
The masseuse then tells me he can only do Swedish massage. Also, as all rooms are being used, the treatment will take place in the reception area. I am somewhat deflated and protest at the lack of privacy. He then moves us outside, where I am promptly attacked by zealous hordes of mosquitoes.
The staff light mosquito coils and surround the 'treatment zone' thickly. The mosquitoes remain undeterred and I am now also gagging on the smoke, while other customers step over and around me.
At that point I thank them kindly, and leave.
Faded grandeur, Havana
One of my earlier inspection trips is to Cuba in the mid 1990’s. It quickly becomes apparent that during that era there are only a few, rather bland, modern hotels we can use.
It is a shame, as the heritage buildings are stunning. Although they are dilapidated with erratic plumbing, dangerous wiring and a lack of soap, toilet and towels, the architecture and design are sublime. Art nouveau, art deco, baroque and rococo hotels with stained glass, ornate ironwork, exquisite carvings, frescoes and lovely old fixtures still intact.
Happily, many of these hotels are to be renovated years later, when we start using them. Although the plumbing can still be occasionally erratic, it is a price well worth paying.
Butlering, Hotel Emerald, St Petersburg
Still in the 1990’s, I am inspecting hotels in Moscow and St Petersburg.
In Moscow at an 'accessible hotel' I am shown an extraordinarily steep wheelchair ramp. 'That’s almost 45 degrees', I say. 'Da,' is the nonchalant reply.
In St Petersburg, I arrive at the Hotel Emerald and am told to stare at a picture of a Russian landscape. This image takes my picture and I am admitted to a palace. One room is full of men who seem to be polishing and opening bottles of wine. They are butlers and you can choose your own when you check in – a hotel fashion that hasn’t really caught on, outside Russia.
The night after, Cork
Emma and I are traveling in Ireland researching tours for some private groups. On a Sunday morning in Cork, it is quickly apparent that Saturday night was a big one. The few guests who made it downstairs are slow, confused and clumsy. There is a fug in the air and all the air freshener in the world can’t hide the fact that last night had been fun. This was a swift inspection visit.
Lost in Translation, Tokyo
Part of the appeal of Japan in an increasingly homogenised world is that is so different.
This particularity extends to hotels. At first, I can't understand why double bedded rooms are usually smaller and often face the back of the hotel. Later, I am told that 'only young people sleep together.'
I do enjoy the onsens, the large communal hot baths, as well as the floor of vending machines and laundries, and once, memorably, a welcome robot.
French efficiency, Italian charm
France has many attractive and efficient hotels. Their inspection visits are also brisk and efficient.
On one inspection trip, Loren, Otto and I are researching hotels in France and Italy for the Legacies of Plagues tour. At a French hotel, I ask for a glass of water, which is efficiently delivered with all the jolliness of a French waiter working overtime.
At our first hotel in Italy, by contrast, we are welcomed with much bonhomie – taken to the lounge, seated and provided with large gin and tonics, and snacks.
We used more hotels in Italy.
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